my chest hurts, and i can’t decide if it’s the sunburn or my heart

when i hear people outside- i get so scared they’ll knock on my door.

because no one is ever here without me knowing.

remember when you’d get excited when people knocked on your door? seriously.

or called.

like- i used to pick up the phone all the time before we had caller ID! i loved that.

now i’m indifferent at best.


i guess it’s normal to not get anything when your a middle child.

or feel like you’ve gotten nothing.



i’ve been on a pretty steady diet of speggatios(sp?) and hot dogs.

i think it’s working.. i think it’s what it’s like being single despite all the fresh fruit and vegetables i buy.

my hair falls out a lot. hormones have been a hot messssssss.

i had to step away from my computer because i was looking at pj’s because- well, nvm that part, but- all that kept coming up were garters.

i’ve never worn a garter.

i didn’t wear a wedding dress.

i didn’t wear a flower crown.

i didn’t get to be engaged

i didn’t didn’t didn’t


so many didn’ts.

they can be really consuming.


so much so that sometimes you cry in the shower in america, about crying in the shower in italy.

and you cry because you know what you deserve.

and you can’t figure out why no one seems to give that to you. ever.

even when they say they want to.

they don’t.

like, can you even? because you said you would then you didn’t.. were you just joking the whole time? or no? what happened..

did you relize i’m not worth that? i don’t deserve it?..


you just wanted it handed to you.

you’d never peruse it. you’d never go after it yourself.

you’d barley say out loud that you even wanted it..



then, there’s me.

SCREAMING how bad not only do i want it, but need it.

and i get, nothing.



no wedding.

no boyfriend.

no ring.

no cast iron skillet.

no coffee cup.

no Christmas ornaments.




and the worst part?

they don’t even miss me when i’m gone.






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